| "It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept | | | | beholden to their husbands. He even used to tell me |
| anything but the best, you very often get it."--Somerset | | | | the things his grandfather would do to his |
| Maugham | | | | grandmother." |
| An educated, successful, and attractive woman (we'll | | | | This man told her flat-out that his family diminished |
| call Jane) reports that she "really wants to get | | | | women, but she was having too good a time to let it |
| married." When asked what she's looking for in a | | | | sink in. Twenty years later, she's depressed, frightened, |
| husband, her response is a blank stare. She just wants | | | | and unhappy. She has no self-confidence. Even though |
| a husband, she says. She's already picked out her | | | | she has a good job, she is terrified to go it alone |
| engagement ring. | | | | without her husband. She's a prisoner. |
| Most of her friends are married or getting married, and | | | | Unless Jane raises her standards, she may find herself |
| she's sick of her mother's weekly calls announcing the | | | | in Pat's situation one day. She must stop being |
| weddings of her grammar school classmates. She's | | | | desperate. She should make a list of the good qualities |
| tried speed dating and singles' dances. She's made | | | | she has to offer and read it whenever she starts to |
| plans for drinks, only to endure the humiliation of being | | | | feel bad about not being married. She should make a |
| stood up more than once. She's had blind dates, which | | | | list of the qualities she desires in a husband ("kind" |
| invariably end with her getting out of some man's car | | | | should trump "rich"). Reading this list several times a |
| and hoping he'll call again. He usually doesn't, and she | | | | day will help her attract men with these qualities. |
| wonders what is wrong with her. She never considers | | | | She must stop viewing every guy she dates as a |
| whether she even liked the guy. | | | | potential husband. She must observe a man coolly, |
| She has made marriage her goal. She may achieve it | | | | rather than cling to him as if he's the last bus out of the |
| one day, but she'd be so much better off if she made | | | | depot. |
| a happy marriage her goal. She must rub the vision of | | | | It's critical that she listen carefully when a man talks |
| herself in a Vera Wang wedding dress out of her | | | | about other women. Does he look up to his mother, or |
| mind. First, she must determine the qualities she desires | | | | is does she still make his bed? Does he treat his |
| in a husband, and also exactly what she expects from | | | | sisters with respect, or is their main purpose in life |
| marriage. Otherwise, she could end up with the wrong | | | | making the potato salad? How does he talk about the |
| man. The consequences range from a life of misery to | | | | women in his office? If his boss is female, does he |
| death at the hands of an abuser. | | | | resent her? |
| Another woman (we'll call Pat) has been married for | | | | It's key to see how he behaves among other men, as |
| twenty years. Her husband buys himself presents for | | | | well. Is he always playing "top it" with the bigger car, |
| her birthday, like the soap dish and wine glasses he | | | | the bigger TV, or the bigger whatever? If so, Jane |
| wanted but she didn't. More insultingly, he gave her Dr. | | | | should tread carefully. He's insecure. Eventually, he's |
| Laura's new book, The Proper Care and Feeding of | | | | going to take it out on her. |
| Husbands. | | | | Women can learn much about a man by the way he |
| He has a rotten temper. Once, he threw their toddler's | | | | drives. Does he tailgate? Does he weave in and out of |
| Barney furniture off the back deck and smashed it into | | | | traffic, or is he respectful of other motorists? Does he |
| pieces because it cluttered the kitchen. | | | | drive considerately in residential neighborhoods, or does |
| Pat complains that her husband monitors her spending | | | | he blaze through? Does he toss burger wrappers out |
| relentlessly. He pitched a fit when she spent $2.95 on | | | | the window at stoplights, or does he treat public |
| a pencil sharpener. He decides when the heat and air | | | | property as he would his own? |
| conditioning can run and at what temperature. One | | | | It doesn't matter whether Jane is 17 or 65. She must |
| brutally hot day, he screamed at her for having the | | | | never make excuses for a man's bad behavior |
| audacity to turn on the ceiling fan without his | | | | because he might be her last chance. She must shut |
| permission. | | | | off the brainwashing machine. No woman ever has to |
| Pat maintains that her children love their father, but | | | | get married! The single life can be fun and full of |
| they don't like him. They steer clear of him whenever | | | | adventure. No woman should ever give that up for the |
| possible, especially since his method of punishment is | | | | wrong man. Marriage does not always equal |
| to lock them in a room and make them listen to Dr. | | | | happiness. Marriage does not always equal success. |
| Laura. | | | | But, if Jane plays her cards right, it could. Once she |
| She and her husband both have good jobs, but she is | | | | raises her standards for the men she'll go out with, |
| "much better educated" than he. So, how did she get | | | | better men will appear. (This is a promise.) She won't |
| stuck with this creep? | | | | have to jump through hoops to find dates. The losers, |
| Pat met him when she was 23. He was 29 and from | | | | abusers, and No-Show Joes she used to put up with |
| another part of the country, which made him seem | | | | will disappear. They'll sense that she's out of their |
| worldly. She was so flattered to be with an older guy, | | | | league. |
| so caught up in having fun, that she forgot to take | | | | Jane will be on her way to finding not just a husband, |
| account of his values. | | | | but also a man who makes her happiness as |
| "He used to talk about how his grandfathers ruled the | | | | important as his own. |
| roost," she says. "All the women in their family were | | | | |